Sandy Beardsley
Living with a Brain Tumor
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09/07/06
Waves…
Filed under: General
Posted by: Dan @ 9:05 pm

Waves of grief and sorrow…
when I think of life without Sandy by my side.

Waves of warmth and clarity and knowing…
when I feel her presence all around me, helping me to put one foot in front of the other… and honor life and living.

Waves of gratitude and feeling blessed…
to have had 17 years with her, my best friend and soulmate. The perfect match. The woman of my dreams.

Attempting to write anything now is so difficult. My thoughts and emotions tumble… the motivation ebbs. This was for her, not me. But Sandy wanted me to keep writing. And I want to keep writing. And so I will. We were working on a book idea which I will continue on with.

I have been spending most of my time in our garden… watering and tending to it by day… lighting candles, watching the cycles of the moon, listening to the coyotes howl, sipping our favorite red wine and playing my Native American flute for her by night, often all night. It has been one month since she died, though time has no meaning for me any longer — minutes are hours, hours seem like days. And the nights are long, very long. Everything is slow motion. But friends and family come around for visits, I ride my bike with friends and of course take the dogs down to the river for swims on these hot days. And I have been working on some projects around the house that Sandy and I had wanted to do. I also started back to work part-time this week.

But being away from the garden and our home is difficult. There is comfort here. And I feel Sandy here in everything I see or do… which is at once painful and comforting at the same time. But mostly comforting. She is still with me… and always will be.
I guess now would be a good time to retell a couple of the messages from Sandy that I talked of at her gathering party….

Yellow balloons had played a significant role in our lives in the weeks before she died… there was the trip to the grocery store, three weeks before she died, to stock up for all the people coming to her wake — we wheel Sandy into the store in her wheeelchair and she says, “We have to decorate this damn wheelchair!” So we go to the flower section and buy 13 (her lucky number) yellow (LiveStrong color) balloons. So there we were with this gigantic bouquet of yellow balloons floating above her wheelchair while we shop. And then at the LiveStrong Challenge in Portland we ended up with some yellow balloons which we left at a friend’s house on the way home. And of course we had yellow balloons at her celebration. Three days after Sandy died her brother and his wife dragged me out for a hike on a trail near our home. I wanted to get to a large rock that Sandy loved to sit on. About halfway there, a mile or so up the trail, I look down and laying next to the trail is a yellow balloon, string still attached, and the balloon had popped into this amazing flower-like shape. That balloon is now on the little shrine of photos and favorite things of Sandy’s that I have next to our bed.

A few nights later… a friend and I were sitting outside about midnight, talking about Sandy. I had gone into the house to get a glass of wine and was walking back outside, feeling very depressed and crying, wanting a sign from Sandy, to know she was alright. I looked up at the night sky, and said aloud, “Now would be a good time…” Just as soon as I said that, a huge shooting star, looking more like a comet with a long wide sparkling tail, shot across half of the sky directly overhead. My friend shouted out, “Wow! That was incredible! Did you see that?!”  I replied, “Did I see that? I prayed for that…”

And I have had other encounters and messages. Some have been humorous, well sort of.  One night I had stayed up all night in a chair in the Garden of Friendship… watching the sky, thinking about Sandy.  As daylight came I found myself looking up at a couple of dead branches overhead in our big tree. Sandy and I had joked for years “yeah, we better cut those down before they fall and kill us.” Well, something prompted me that early morning to climb up to the top of our 20-foot ladder, with a  12-foot pole pruning saw, and get those branches down. One of them I had to cut. The other and largest one (six inches in diameter and 15 feet long) was already broken off and hung up in the tree branches. It had been there for years and looked like it would stay there forever. I thought I would give it a little tug with the pole saw just to see if I might have a chance at pulling it down. I had barely touched it with the saw (12-feet over my head, and I’m at the top of a 20-foot ladder) when it came crashing through the tree branches, almost taking me off the ladder, and hit our garden furniture in an explosion of branches, breaking a piece off of a chair, right where I had been sitting. I looked out at the rising sun and all I could say was… “Thank you, Sandy…”

So she’s out there, right here, watching out for me still. Though I’m sure she had to close her eyes when I was at the top of that ladder.

I guess I’ll end with this for tonight. And I will keep writing, even if no one is out there reading it. I don’t want this blog journal to to become about my grief and sorrow and loss. I want it to continue to be about Sandy… with memories, thoughts and impressions of her. To honor what she was all about… living. So please join me in that sharing.

Here are the lyrics to one of our favorite songs that our friend Dan Maher sang at our wedding and ten years later at Sandy’s celebration…

The Call And The Answer
(Phil Colclough)

Chorus:
You are the call, I am the answer
You are the wish and I am the way
You’re the music, I the dancer
You are the night and I am the day
You are the night and I am the day

You called and I ran
Wild as the wind which rows across the moor
All we needed is each other
With the eagles we will soar

You and I we’re like two rivers
Run and fall down to the sea
When we meet we’re lost forever
Lost forever you and me

Lay your head upon my pillow
Let your heart beat close to mine
There’s no past and no tomorrow
Two hearts lost in space and time
__________________________

The full moon is beckoning me back to the garden.

Good night,
Dan

14 Responses to “Waves…”

  1. Cheryl and Brant Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 6:55 am Dear Dan, You and Sandy are in our thoughts and prayers, always! Thank you for continuing to write. WE enjoy every word. Cheryl
  2. babs Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 8:26 am Last night I was looking for something to write thank you notes on and found the beautiful box of oriental stationary that Sandy had given me. I don’t know why, but it felt like I had never opened the box before and it made me smile to re- discover the note that she had tucked into the stationary. It was sort of like she was checking in to let me know she was still thinking of me. Then, when I dug deeper in the box for an envelope, I was delighted to find a sprinkling of dried lavender flowers (were they there before?)I knew she had picked them from the Garden of Friendship for me to find someday.
  3. Tracy Ismert Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 10:20 am Dear Dan, I share so many of your thoughts and feeling. When my brother passed away what I found so overwhelming was the finality of it all. There is no half way. I kept on thinking that if only we could have my borther for one day a week, that would be okay, or even just once a month, that would be okay too. It’s just too final and I think it is this that I have struggled with the most. I admire your courage and strengh, I share your sadness. Keep posting. Tracy Ismert, Burlingame CA ( NBTF Walk, May 06)
  4. D2 Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 2:04 pm Hi Dan, I’ve been wanting to tell you this; I (Deb) just couldn’t at Sandy’s party. It’s one of those “interesting coincidences” - or is it? You be the judge. As you know, I had only known Sandy for 1 year - and the 3 times we were together, it was for a very short time. Right after the Lance Armstrong ride, I was thinking a lot about Sandy and how much I wished I had gotten a chance to hike or bike with her - at least spend some longer, quality time with her (and the 4 of us too). And I started feeling (selfish) deprieved of her (and your) company for all of these years. These feelings continued…until the night of August 6th. I went to bed early because it was a work day on the 7th, and I wanted to get some rest. Unfortunately, Sandy had other plans for me…Sandy and I had so many adventures that night - we hiked, we went dancing, we biked, we laughed, we shopped, we gardened - each new adventure was in another place. I was exhausted the next morning! But I also got to spend time with Sandy - just the way I had wished. So, “Thanks Sandy” (but did you have to wear me out so much???!) Dan - Don and I are thinking of you and will see you soon - right? All our Love, Deb and Don (D2)
  5. Shirl Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 2:45 pm I’m reading Dan, always will be. Thinking of you, Shirl
  6. Megan O'Connor Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 2:48 pm My sweet, dear brother Dan - I too am glad you’re writing again. I love your words and thoughts and open heart. Thank you. All I know is that today, especially, I’ve been thinking of her and the way her smile lit up a room. It really lit up the night we stayed awake and talked by candlelight (Johnny Depp was there with us too, on the box of Frosted Flakes). I feel like she’s watching all of us and even when it’s hard to find energy, I hear her voice pushing me to turn up the music and take care of the things I love. Fond memory of the day: Sandy and Dan were visiting my home in Kansas three years ago. They traveled to rural NW Kansas in their VW “hippy” Van. The van is still the topic of conversation in this small town. Sandy had been quite affected by the cattle ‘feed yards’ in the midwest. She was tearful as she thought about the fate of each animal in the yard. Her sensitivity toward the world and all its creatures is what defines her. While I was at work, with Sandy’s enthusiasm and energy, they completely rearranged my country home decor, removing all the dark colors and animal prints. She decorated with bright colors and opened all the windows. Thank you Sandy and Dan.
  7. Leslie Brown Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 4:36 pm Hi Dan - You are such a great writer, you can’t stop!! You must go on writing for all of us out here and for Sandy. I love the stories you told at her celebration and told again here. I also have enjoyed hearing the other stories from all of the replies. I wish you the best and think of you daily. I have shared all the stories, etc with my hubby who also has cancer and someday, I hope you two can meet. It has meant alot to him to hear how you and Sandy did it. Attitude is everything! Thank you and take care, Leslie
  8. Robin O'Hearn Says:
    September 8th, 2006 at 7:51 pm Yea, Dan! So nice to hear more from you. I’ve been checking the blog faithfully, hoping there’d be new posts. (It’s become an addiction) We’ve been remembering Sandy at school a lot. There were some nice tributes to her the first few work days before kids arrived. I showed staff members the video clips that D2 gave us. Thank you, Don and Deb–everyone wanted to see those. Susie Archuleta, they liked your photos, too! Who shot the video of the meeting with Lance? I’d like to see that some day. I was too busy snapping photos to remember any of it. Dan, glad to hear you’ve been out on the bike some. Dam2Dam is coming up in 3 weeks. Are you game??? Chris is doing 100 and I’ll do 50. We’d love to see you there or ride together. Greg Lemond is supposed to be there. Ok, it’s not Lance, but how many people can say they saw 2 american Tour de France winners in one summer? Love, Robin & Chris
  9. jkw Says:
    September 9th, 2006 at 4:03 pm Dan I am so glad you are able to write. You and Sandy are never far from my thougths. Or PK and my moms thoughts. I will continue to check the blog and read. Send ing positive thoughts, prayers and wishes your way. ;)
  10. Eric S. Beardsley Says:
    September 11th, 2006 at 8:48 am Yeah, what a nice surprise when I checked the blog today- after checking it for 29 days and nothing! but we will cut you some slack Dano, and so glad to be reading your words again! I can just picture Sandy saying “Now,Dan, it’s been a month-it’s time you do the blog!” (Thanks, Sandy!) Eric said he may be up for the Dam to Dam- let us know if you are going to do it. and Robin, I (Pat)took the video of Lance and Sandy, and as I’m not very video/computer savvy,I haven’t made copies yet- but will make sure every one gets one, as it is priceless!! Thanks again,Dan,for blogging and including the words to the song as it is now one of our favorites. Right along with Froggie went a courtin’- I’ll always remember that morning (August 3rd to be exact)when Sandy asked you to find the song done by Bob Dylan and play it for us- with her little green froggie dancing along-it was such a special morning and one I will treasure forever! as a matter of fact, I’m listening to the song right now even though it’s Bruce Springsteen singing (off his latest CD) rather than Bob, but it’s still great!!Thinking of you both, and of course Odie and Jango too!
  11. Mary/Thelma Says:
    September 13th, 2006 at 8:47 pm just have to say it is good to see everyone again and Dan I love you so much. My “Louise” and I often are dancing in in sky with the stars together. I got a Knome (sp) at the outlet mall at Stevens Pass that of course is definately Sandy. The Knome is sitting on a mushroom, reading a book, carrying a backback, drinking a cup of tea, with 1/2 a sandwich beside it on a tray, and a cat at it’s feet. Isn’t that great. Hugs and night now… Love you all.. Thelma/Mary
  12. Carol Truitt Says:
    September 16th, 2006 at 11:04 am Dear Dan, Thanks so much for continuing the blog. We all want to hear how you are doing, and have a chance to share our memories, too. As you well know, Sandy is with us every day at school. I still hear her laughter in the halls. At times it is unbelievable to me that she’s not here. I hear staff talking and kids laughing, and it shocks me every time to realize Sandy isn’t right there. Life is remorseless, it goes on whether we’re ready or not. I have needed, now and in my past, for life to just stop or at least be put on pause for a time, to let me get my balance back. But it will go on, whether I’m ready or not. Thankfully, Sandy will always be a big part of our little school. And it helps to keep her in my head and in my heart, to hear her laughter in the halls. And Dan, we all want to hear from you. You are in our hearts and thoughts more than ever now. Keep writing. . . . We love you, too!
  13. maria Says:
    September 18th, 2006 at 7:03 pm Dan, Thank you for continuing this blog and sharing your experiences…your signs from Sandy reflect her bright and beautiful spirit! Even though I never met you and Sandy, I feel lucky to have the opportunity to read about your experiences and the special love that you and she shared. Somehow it has given me strength in my own battle with a brain tumor, and my abilty to live strong despite all the highs and lows that come with an illness. Wishing you more “yellow balloons”…and other signs! -Maria
  14. Anonymous Says:
    September 19th, 2006 at 8:31 pm Dear Dan, Our loving tribute to Sandy greets each child every day as they walk through the Orondo School doors. I’ll take a pic of our front hallway and email it. We continue to be inspired by your words and faith. Our little school has an even bigger heart because of you and Sandy. Thank You Sheri

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