Sandy Beardsley
Living with a Brain Tumor
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09/22/06
Twilight and Fall
Filed under: General
Posted by: Dan @ 10:49 pm

The Autumn equinox is tonight… days and nights are of equal length.  If only it felt that way. The nights seem twice as long. And the season of long nights is just beginning.

But that also means that the time of day Sandy and I loved most seems to come around sooner every day… twilight. Dusk…. when the sun has gone down and the light softens… everything gets quiet… the colors are muted, the edges softened. The world seems at peace. We would sit in the garden, drink red wine and watch the light change and fade. Sandy loved this time of day.  And now I love it even more.  I look forward to the twilight every day… wishing it could somehow be dusk all the time.  It’s when I feel closest to Sandy, knowing she is right there next to me… watching the last sunlight on the mountains… listening to the river and the crickets. 

Though these nights are getting colder — our first frost was this morning — I still have a ritual of watching the twilight fade, lighting the candles in our garden, and lately building a campfire in the copper fire bowl, watching the stars and the cycle of the moon… wrapped in a wool blanket and playing my Native American flute for her. This nightly ritual grounds me, keeps me breathing. The daytime… when I’m at work, talking with people, going to the grocery store, all those “normal” things we do — it all seems surreal and distant and often meaningless.  As if I’m just going through the motions, trying to function and survive until the evening time. And then everything seems more real… Sandy’s presence around me, my grief and loss, all the memories… the twilight and the long nights are at once comforting and painful.

To borrow from Greg Brown, one of our favorite singer / songwriters, in the dedication of his most recent recording, something that could have been about Sandy… “I build a fire and stare into it, to be with you. To hear your stories, your laughter, your sadness. Come sit with me by the fire. Let me play you a song. Your laughter shook your whole body. You were strong and quick to help people in trouble. Life is lonely, we can any of us get too lonely. I feel those who loved you gather round. I hear us singing for you. When we gather round, you are there by the fire. So don’t be so lonesome now. We hold you in the circle. Hunker down. Lean in…”

Here’s a photo of Sandy from a hike in the mountains we did in September, 1989… our first fall together…

Prayers go out to my sister Megan.
And a toast to our friends Bill and Peg Stark, married for 69 years…
Bill died September 7 at 94. Peg is 89 and still going strong.

We’re all gathered around the fire.

Good night,
Dan

18 Responses to “Twilight and Fall”

  1. jkw Says:
    September 23rd, 2006 at 2:34 pm Dan as hard has those mundane things are I am so glad you continue to move and do them. Even if they are to only get you to the next dusk or dawn. Feel Sandy with you and helping you to keep on. Sending you positive thoughts, prayers, and Love from the west side. ;)
  2. Carol Truitt Says:
    September 23rd, 2006 at 2:47 pm Dan - Fall is a particularly beautiful and poignant time of year. I hope that it brings you more memories and comforts than ever. As always, we think of you and Sandy, still amazed at all that Sandy gave to the world, and sending peace and healing to you as you go on step by step. Feel loved by all, Dan, and be good to yourself. Love, Carol & Tom
  3. Susie Archuleta Says:
    September 23rd, 2006 at 8:41 pm Dan, I do so love that picture of my cousin. I think you have that in your bedroom, or the two of you? I reread Sandy’s rules for loss tonight. They do help. I used #8 today. Laugh. I remembered the time we were about 12 or 13. Sandy was carrying her cat Snowflake or Snowball from the car to the cabin. It was raining like crazy so Sandy was running and then she slipped. She slid in the mud and must have rolled six times before coming to a stop, all the while screaming “oh my God I killed Snow flake. When Sandy stood up she was covered in mud head to toe, and you know Sandy…not a hair on that cat was disturbed. Not a drop of mud. I miss her, but this #8 did make me feel better. Still teaching!! Thank you Sandy. Love you. Susie.
  4. Andrea Says:
    September 23rd, 2006 at 9:41 pm Dan, I just finished reading “The Secret Garden” thanks to you and Sandy. What a beautiful message. Remember the magic….She’s definitely with you.
  5. Leda Says:
    September 24th, 2006 at 12:54 pm Dan,nights are always the hardest time when we’re going through so much pain but they’re also often the time when we feel closest to our beloved ones. The night embraces us and holds us close to eachother. And Susie, could you please tell me what Sandy’s other rules are? I feel that I could do with some rules too. Thank you
  6. Eric S. Beardsley Says:
    September 24th, 2006 at 2:27 pm Hi Dano, a friend sent us this Eskimo Legend and thought we’d share it with you,to think about when you are checking out those stars tonight. It goes: Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. Love, Pat and Eric
  7. D2 Says:
    September 26th, 2006 at 11:16 am Hi Danno - good to hear your “voice” again. Your evenings sound pretty nice. We love that time of day too. I have always said that that time of day signals the end of the day and a time to relax and reflect. Enough of work and the day to day chores and challenges. Its time to rest. When we were in Italy that was the norm and we loved it. They knew how to drink wine too . . . :) We were up in Kamloops Canada last weekend. Nice country just north of you. We stayed a night at the barn too but it was too short. We waved to you on our way home as we looked east across the cascades. Again, you are in our thoughts daily. Take good care, We’ll hook up soon. Love, D2
  8. The Lofas family Says:
    September 27th, 2006 at 7:04 pm Dan, we’re thinking of you. Love from the Lofas family
  9. mary pat Says:
    September 28th, 2006 at 10:46 am Hello Dan, I was glad to be able to give you a hug at the memorial service for Bill Stark at the chapel. Your writings are so personnel and loving that it seems that we are all sitting alongside you in your garden. Thanks for letting us all share some of those private times of your grief so that we can better deal with our own grief. With the loss of Sandy and our other loved ones that have touched our lives - some of us can’t express ourselves and walk thur the daily process that grieving needs. As always You and Sandy are the Teachers . Thanks for the lessons. love mp
  10. mary Says:
    September 28th, 2006 at 4:17 pm dan this is mary one of sandys friends from upstate ny. i talked to sandy alot about my friend laura with the same kind of brain tumor.laura passed on july 30 and i have tried to contact you. her husband really would like to talk to you as he is going through some trying times just like you. he reminds me alot like you. he would love to chat with you. hes having kinda a difficult time.i dont know what to tell him as far as contacting you. let me know. if your not ready thats fine too. thanks, mary, upstate ny.
  11. Angie & Mike Says:
    October 1st, 2006 at 4:59 pm Hi Dan, You have been heavy on our hearts and in our thoughts. We thought you might like this beautiful scenery, music and the words that Sandy so believed in… I was so Blessed to have spent time in the dash with Sandy, she will truly always be with us. We are changed now.. but not because she left us.. but because she loved us. We are sending “The Dash” to you, Take Care.
  12. A & L Says:
    October 2nd, 2006 at 10:03 am Hey, Dan, Great to hear your voice again. I’ve checked back a couple times — but couldn’t find words. So many emotions — everything comes out a big, blobby mess. As we pass your house, it’s comforting to see signs of activity — the ladder in different spots, car or van out for the day. As you would say, Sandy’s “kicking you in the butt”, no doubt — her strength pushing you onward. And still there to wrap you in her warmth at the end of the day. We revel in these warm, bright days of Fall– the season of magical gifts that Peg and Bill Stark loved so deeply — leaves changing color and whole trees aglow with their inner light. Soon the leaves will fall — we know they will. We gather round the fire….. And great beauty will abide. We continue to honor Sandy’s spirit by taking no day for granted, no smile or kind thought without immense gratitude. Get out there and soak up the warmth of these Fall days. We’ll be looking for you — you and Sandy are always in our thoughts. Your neighbors, Anna and Lee
  13. HAM Says:
    October 2nd, 2006 at 11:01 pm Dear Dano, this past week we had the honor to work with Sandy and Mary Roy’s Orondo classroom at Salmon Fest. It was touching; some kids were surprised that Salmon Fest people knew their teacher. She would have laughed along with us, and been proud of her kids working on assignments, growing with spunk. With that in mind, I dug out my 1996 journal and found the Haiku workshop she and a few of us took at Home Fires Bakery. Here are Sandy’s words from 8/13/06 “Teenage son; Voice cracking with independence; Cuddles like old times.” — SB. Blessings and Love, Heather
  14. Familia Lopez-Medina Says:
    October 3rd, 2006 at 2:24 pm Hola Dan, Estas en nuestros pensamientos y gracias por seguir escribiendo. Nos da fuerzasa para seguir para delante. Mi hijo ya tiene cinco meses trabajando y esta en plena recoperacion. Solo hay que vivir un dia ala vez. Y desfrutar cada momento! Muchos abrazos!!
  15. Kellee Bradley Says:
    October 3rd, 2006 at 2:40 pm sometimes the lessons are not for you… perhaps it’s for those you leave behind… to remind them to be grateful for the time they have to love… when the spirits give a gift… make sure they recognize… thank you for this chance… thank you for this song… I just wish we’ll have more time to sing along… and with every fragile breath… as your spirit yearns to fly… the lesson’s in the love you leave behind
  16. Robert Bowman Says:
    October 3rd, 2006 at 5:08 pm Dan, I have found myself thinking of you and Sandy often and find, as strange as this may sound, the blog to be a reminder to me of us the precious gift we all have. I too, like you, find myself going through the motions as I have ups and downs without my best friend, my dad. Next to me is the book Sandy got me after Dad passed…Bedside Prayers. It’s a comfort. -Robert
  17. Pat & Heather Says:
    October 7th, 2006 at 11:03 am Today is 2 months. It’s a beautiful autumn day, but we think often as we go through the day about our loss. Sandy girl, we miss you. Our hearts and prayers and love - H&P
  18. Jennifer Says:
    October 8th, 2006 at 2:22 pm I’ve posted one comment once before… I’m just a stranger, but one that have been very much impacted by Sandy through her website. Thank you for writing. I hope you are doing good and I will pray for you & your son, I know she’s ok now.

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