Sandy Beardsley
Living with a Brain Tumor
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10/10/06
Golden Trees and Ashes
Filed under: General
Posted by: Dan @ 9:43 pm

Today is a one year anniversary. October 10.

Sandy had been getting an MRI every six months since 1999 to monitor any change in her brain tumor. For six years, following radiation treatments, there had been no change. Every six months we would drive 200 miles to get her MRI at a Spokane hospital. With a mix of fear and hope, these MRI’s almost became routine, but of course the fear and stress of any change was always there. For six years the news was always good — no change.

But on October 10, 2005, our world changed. The MRI showed a dramatic change — the tumor was growing. What we had been told would happen someday, had happened. The radiation had bought time, but the type of tumor Sandy had always came back, and came back worse. Her doctor advised us to go to Stanford for her surgery. Soon after is when we started this blog… a year ago… seems like a lifetime with everything that has happened.

Sandy told me shortly after the MRI that Lance Armstrong’s day is 10/2 — October 2, 1996 is when he was diagnosed with cancer — and her day would be 10/10. She also reminded me that 10/14 (04) was the day I got hit by a truck while riding my bike. We joked that early October was a dangerous time, best to stay at home.

So today, to honor this anniversary and keep from crying all day, I left home… drove more than an hour up a dirt road and hiked a few miles (injured leg getting my attention the whole time) to one of our favorite remote places in the mountains — a high route in an area of endless peaks in all directions, beautiful alpine meadows turned golden brown by frost and Larch trees turned into a vibrant golden color by the October cold. It was a perfect fall day and Sandy’s spirit was with me everywhere. She loved this place — it was our first overnight hiking trip together in 1989, and we did it at this same magical time of year.Today, from the meadows and the peaks, I played my Native American flute for her… and remembered, feeling our connection to this place.

I returned home at dusk and realized that today, with the anniversary and the trip to the high mountains, would be the perfect day…

As the light softened and the quiet of evening deepened, I scattered Sandy’s ashes in the grove of trees that I planted on our land 16 years ago. This is where Sandy wanted her ashes to be — in “Daniel’s Woods” as she called them. As I slowly walked the trail through the aspen, pine and fir trees scattering her ashes, tears streaming down my face, I came to one of the Larch trees I had planted, once a seedling and now 20-feet tall. The needles were just starting to turn an intense golden color just like all the subalpine Larch I had seen today high in the mountains… and then I truly understood why today happened the way it did… in the golden October light. The light that Sandy loved so much… and the warm golden light that she will always be…


Sandy by a Larch tree in “Daniel’s Woods”
on October 16, 2005

Good night,
Dan

15 Responses to “Golden Trees and Ashes”

  1. Pam Wilds Says:
    October 11th, 2006 at 9:36 am Beautiful writing…beautiful photo. And there’s that smile that lights a room. Or, in this case, maybe it lighted the surroundings. Those larch needles almost appear to glow. Thank you for continuing to share, Dan.
  2. D2 Says:
    October 12th, 2006 at 9:02 am Hi Dan - we are right there with you. Your writing is beautiful and conveys your feelings perfectly. What a great photo! Thanks for sharing. All our love, D2
  3. Megan O'Connor Says:
    October 12th, 2006 at 11:11 am Hi Dan, I think about you each day and pray for comfort and peace in your heart. Know that you are loved today and always. Megan
  4. jkw Says:
    October 12th, 2006 at 6:13 pm Dan thank you for sharing this special day with us. Your words make me feel as though we took these journeys with you. I am awed by the power and emotion I feel at the connection you share with these words. What a beautiful picture of a special human being. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. ;)
  5. Mary Says:
    October 12th, 2006 at 9:43 pm Dan thank you so much, it meant so much to me reading it. seeing her picture. I feel her and think of Sandy and love her every day. You write so well. I appreciate it. Much love…Mary
  6. Susie Says:
    October 13th, 2006 at 1:37 pm Dan, Again, thank you for sharing. I miss my cousin. My heart hurts, but your words help. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Susie
  7. Leslie Brown Says:
    October 13th, 2006 at 8:44 pm Dan, what a beautiful rememberance and story of your beautiful Sandy. I think that this is a peaceful time of year and it sounds like the timing was right this day to scatter her ashes. Your words, as always, are so special. Thank you for sharing, again. Thinking of you, Leslie
  8. Janet Says:
    October 14th, 2006 at 6:40 am Dan ,Thanks so much for sharing your special time with us all.Your in my thoughts and prayers often.You are such an inspiration.Your words are so special and comforting.Love,Janet
  9. Donna Nylander Says:
    October 14th, 2006 at 9:13 am Dear Dan, I have been deeply touched by the story of love, devotion, strength and endurance of Sandy and you and your journey together. As the spirit of your love for each other continues in your memories and in your daily thoughts, you will find comfort. As you describe the climb back to a spot where you had once camped together, or sit in the chairs in your garden, or walk the paths to Daniel’s woods, we sense the fresh wound in your heart, the throbbing ache, the aloneness…. and then we see the photo of Sandy, the smile, the spirit…her presence is lasting…thank you, Dan
  10. Caryn O\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Says:
    October 17th, 2006 at 6:56 pm Dear Dan, As I drove from the Oregon coast to Corvallis yesterday I was overwhelmed by the beauty of nature in transition. The colors ranged from gold to orange to red and included a vibrant nearly purple (your favorite color). You and Sandy relished this time of year and I could picture the two of you embracing the glorious scene. I will never look at this radiant spectacle without thinking of all wondrous sights of nature which you shared together…..On another note, I have another Sandy story. The day we all left for the Lance Armstrong Challenge in Portland–amidst the chaos of packing and choosing what to take in the RV Sandy stopped all the wheels turning to make sure that you found the gift she had purchased for me during you July beach trip. I was totally in awe of someone who was facing her final days who would be concerned about choosing the “right” gift. The Crane stationery with the embossed star fish was an incredible find. I was overwhelmed and still am. Love, Mom
  11. Leda Says:
    October 18th, 2006 at 12:20 pm Nothing much to say except thank you Dan for the beautiful words that say it all.
  12. HAM Says:
    October 18th, 2006 at 7:51 pm It is so hard to accept Sandy’s death; seeing her picture here makes me feel much better, her shining eyes and laughter ready to burst out, how fortunate I feel to have known Sandy Beardsley (O’Connor). Her ashes scattered mark an important transition which I expect Sandy had on her “check list”. It is comforting to know Daniel’s Woods have them. As we’re getting the fall rains with glorious colors, it is time for us all to plant our daffodil bulbs we got at the memorial celebration. Love Always, your friend, Heather
  13. Susie Steblina Says:
    October 19th, 2006 at 7:46 am This is my first visit to the blog since the celebration for Sandy’s life and everlasting spirit. I had to overcome my pain and anger first…and that takes time. Your beautiful and loving words always make it easier. Last night our old dog, Yoho, died.Very quickly and relative peacefully. Vlad told me to read the blog, and has been keeping me up to date with some of your more recent writings. Doing this, I remember our last visit to see Sandy and how you both welcomed us, and our dog pack, into the fold. Sandy led us down to the river to let the dogs frolic in the water on a warm, sunny summer day. As long as we remember, the joy will be there. Love and Peace Susie S.
  14. PJ Says:
    November 2nd, 2006 at 1:15 pm Dan, I want you to know that you and Sandy are never far from my thoughts. I send you my love and gentle thot’s to tell you that my time with your family and in the care of your dear Sandy will always be a very special memory for me. I learned so much from her and from your family. I was able to use some of those things I learned just last week with another hospice family. Her gift to me was to SEE COURAGE in action. What a jewel you both have been in my life. I send you a big “PJ” hug. The painting of the Garden is finished and I am getting it matted and framed. I will hang it at work first and hopefully then at my first Leavenworth showing when that time comes. My heart aches when I read of your grief but I am proud of you that you are writing, feeling, and honoring yourself as well as your love for Sandy. PJ
  15. PJ Says:
    November 2nd, 2006 at 1:19 pm PS Keep playing the flute…. My teacher told me that when I want to send a message to someone, to play it over water and it will reach them. Send your messages to Sandy by playing your flute over water… creeks, rivers, lakes, ponds, they all work the same Spirit magic! PJ

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