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Posted by: Dan @ 10:49 pm
The Autumn equinox is tonight… days and nights are of equal length. If only it felt that way. The nights seem twice as long. And the season of long nights is just beginning.
But that also means that the time of day Sandy and I loved most seems to come around sooner every day… twilight. Dusk…. when the sun has gone down and the light softens… everything gets quiet… the colors are muted, the edges softened. The world seems at peace. We would sit in the garden, drink red wine and watch the light change and fade. Sandy loved this time of day. And now I love it even more. I look forward to the twilight every day… wishing it could somehow be dusk all the time. It’s when I feel closest to Sandy, knowing she is right there next to me… watching the last sunlight on the mountains… listening to the river and the crickets.
Though these nights are getting colder — our first frost was this morning — I still have a ritual of watching the twilight fade, lighting the candles in our garden, and lately building a campfire in the copper fire bowl, watching the stars and the cycle of the moon… wrapped in a wool blanket and playing my Native American flute for her. This nightly ritual grounds me, keeps me breathing. The daytime… when I’m at work, talking with people, going to the grocery store, all those “normal” things we do — it all seems surreal and distant and often meaningless. As if I’m just going through the motions, trying to function and survive until the evening time. And then everything seems more real… Sandy’s presence around me, my grief and loss, all the memories… the twilight and the long nights are at once comforting and painful.
To borrow from Greg Brown, one of our favorite singer / songwriters, in the dedication of his most recent recording, something that could have been about Sandy… “I build a fire and stare into it, to be with you. To hear your stories, your laughter, your sadness. Come sit with me by the fire. Let me play you a song. Your laughter shook your whole body. You were strong and quick to help people in trouble. Life is lonely, we can any of us get too lonely. I feel those who loved you gather round. I hear us singing for you. When we gather round, you are there by the fire. So don’t be so lonesome now. We hold you in the circle. Hunker down. Lean in…”
Here’s a photo of Sandy from a hike in the mountains we did in September, 1989… our first fall together…
Prayers go out to my sister Megan.
And a toast to our friends Bill and Peg Stark, married for 69 years…
Bill died September 7 at 94. Peg is 89 and still going strong.
We’re all gathered around the fire.
Good night,
Dan